


First Order Podcast

by revoleotion



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Fake script, Implied Kylux, Sexual Humor, references to the LEGO holiday special
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-18 12:28:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29243616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revoleotion/pseuds/revoleotion
Summary: Hux and Pryde read hate comments about themselves and talk about sexuality, Pryde's backstory and shirtless Kylo Ren.
Relationships: Armitage Hux & Enric Pryde
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	First Order Podcast

**The Steadfast, 34 ABY, 20:00. Hux and Pryde are sitting on a couch with enough space between them to fit several more people. They’re talking into a microphone. In front of them are two bowls filled with small paper sheets.**

**Hux**

Hello and welcome to whatever this is. My name is Armitage Hux, yes, that’s how you pronounce that. 

**Pryde**

Is it my turn now?

**Hux**

_ (this is going to be a disaster.) _ Yes. 

**Pryde**

My name is Enric Pryde, I’m Allegiant General for-

**Hux**

_ (overlapping) _ You really had to rub that one in, didn’t you? Well, it doesn’t matter. We’re going to read hate mail today. We have two bowls filled with hate comments and I will now read the first one.  **  
** “Armitage Hux looks like he really needs to take a shower.” _(offended)_ Is there any use in telling them that I actually do shower every morning-

**Pryde**

_ (overlapping) _ Probably not. 

[a rustling sound, unfolding and careful straightening of paper]

“Pryde is old.”  _ (confused) _ Well, that’s just a fact. 

**Hux**

( _ sigh _ ) It’s an insult. 

**Pryde**

I don’t understand. Would they rather have me die young?

**Hux**

( _ sweet stars _ ) Yes. 

[more paper rustling]

“Armitage Hux is annoying.” Oh wow. 

**Pryde**

I’m starting to understand the demographic responsible for those papers. 

**Hux**

( _ trying not to laugh _ ) First of all, have you all met Ren because the stories I could tell about him are not exactly fun either. So, if you want to call any of us annoying-

**Pryde**

_ (gently) _ Maybe this is exactly what they mean. 

**Hux**

( _ excuse me _ ) What. 

**Pryde**

You tend to ramble when you’re mad. 

**Hux**

I certainly do not. 

**Pryde**

I’ve known you for about three weeks and-

**Hux**

_ (overlapping) _ If anything, someone should stop Ren from talking about his Force nonsense-

**Pryde**

_ (overlapping) _ Next!

[more paper rustling] 

“I heard that Pryde was friends with Brendol, so that means he definitely ab-” Oh dear. 

**Hux**

( _ through gritted teeth _ ) Yes? 

**Pryde**

I'd rather not say it out loud. 

[the couch creaks, sounds of a piece of paper being forcefully removed from Pryde's grip] 

[silence] 

I can read another one. 

**Hux**

Are those people aware that the two of us never met in our lives before all this?

**Pryde**

I don't think they-

**Hux**

_ (overlapping) _ Are they aware that I am perfectly capable of murdering anyone who ever dares to hurt me-

**Pryde**

( _ overlapping, gently _ ) It's alright, there's no harm done-

**Hux**

_ (overlapping) _ No, no, I want to say this once and for all. I've never seen this man before in my life and it's not my business if he slept with my father or-

[a pause] 

Why are you looking at me like that? 

[realization] 

Oh no. Oh  _ no.  _

**Pryde**

_(clearly flustered)_ Next? 

**Hux**

Yes, yes. Next. Uh. 

[more paper noises]

“Does Hux know that the only interesting thing about him is his cat?” Yes. I do. 

**Pryde**

You have a cat? 

**Hux**

That depends on which source you're using, really. Some people say I have a cat. 

**Pryde**

I had a cat in exile. A loth cat, actually. She was very well behaved. 

**Hux**

I never took you for the kind of person to have a cat. You look like the kind of guy to have a dog and attend shows and all that. 

**Pryde**

Those things aren't mutually exclusive. 

[confused Hux noises] 

[more paper rustling] 

“Does Enric Pryde is gay?” That's just very bad grammar. 

**Hux**

( _ Gott, steh uns bei _ ) It's a joke. 

**Pryde**

Do they want me to answer that question? 

**Hux**

_ (oh?) _ Well, if you insist-

**Pryde**

_ (overlapping) _ I've never considered myself  _ gay,  _ actually. I like women too, you know? 

[a sound that might be laughter or a cough, who can tell, really] 

Are you alright? 

**Hux**

Yes, of course. Do you want to share any other surprising secrets about your life? 

**Pryde**

Did I ever tell you that I wrote poetry in exile? 

**Hux**

You're fucking with me, aren't you? 

**Pryde**

I beg your pardon?

**Hux**

_ (uh-oh) _ It's my turn, isn't it? “I don't understand why Hux is still around. Starkiller Base clearly was a failure on his part.” 

[a pause] 

[someone, Pryde?, shuffles closer] 

Don't say it. 

**Pryde**

I didn't say anything! 

**Hux**

You're going to agree with them, aren't you?

**Pryde**

Actually-

[annoyed Hux noises] 

Actually, I think the entire thing was a waste of resources but its failure isn't your fault. 

**Hux**

That may be the nicest thing you ever said to me. 

**Pryde**

_ (softly) _ Don't get used to it. 

[he grabs another piece of paper] 

“Pryde is such a useless addition to the First Order. He really wasn't necessary.” Did you write this? 

**Hux**

_ (I wish I did.) _ No! 

**Pryde**

( _ I don't believe you.)  _ Do you mind explaining? 

**Hux**

Well, first of all, I could've gotten your position instead. And I'd do a very good job at it. I could be Ren's right hand man. 

**Pryde**

That's not all there is to it. 

**Hux**

Oh yeah? Tell me what secret work you do that I am not aware of. 

**Pryde**

No. 

**Hux**

I hate you. 

[rustle, rustle] 

“Kylo Ren should take Hux and-” I am going to pick a new one. 

[the sound of Pryde taking the paper] 

**Pryde**

That is a very colorful description of intercourse. 

**Hux**

That's one way to say it. 

[“Mhmh” noises from Pryde] 

_ (amused)  _ Did that make you uncomfortable? How old are you? 

[Pryde takes a deep breath] 

Don't answer that. Why does everyone assume that I am interested in sleeping with Ren, anyway? 

**Pryde**

( _ louder, as though he's leaning closer to the microphone _ ) I still have the footage of him-

**Hux**

_ (overlapping) _ No, no, no, no, you don't. 

[a pause] 

Besides, he was simply being a distraction. What is so difficult about putting on a shirt while you are at work? What if you had walked in? Did he think about that? 

**Pryde**

I simply would've turned away, stated that I will come back at a better time and leave. 

**Hux**

Well, that's what I did. 

**Pryde**

After you-

**Hux**

_ (overlapping) _ My behavior was entirely professional, there's nothing you can-

[he pauses because Pryde stopped talking] 

I can't believe you actually respect my privacy here. Thank you. 

**Pryde**

I shall read the next one, if that's okay with you. 

[agreeing silence] 

“Who allowed this Sheev Palpatine fanboy onto this Starship anyway?” Well, that's an interesting one because technically I have full control over the Steadfast. It was Snoke who contacted me originally but of course he has since then passed away. 

**Hux**

That's one way to put it. 

**Pryde**

So, to answer the question: Snoke did. But I got to name and design the ship. 

**Hux**

What's there to design? Do you have any secret torture chambers around? 

**Pryde**

_ (Yes.)  _ Wouldn't you like to know. 

**Hux**

I know you want to talk about it, so just get it over with. 

**Pryde**

I don't understand. 

**Hux**

_ (sigh) _ Why did you name her Steadfast? 

**Pryde**

_ (Life Day came early!!) _ She was named after my first ever ship. Back then after I finished the academy and was stationed on a Star Destroyer named Steadfast. 

**Hux**

Go figure. 

**Pryde**

I was with her for ten years, although I didn't have the same position in the Empire that I have now, of course. That's very unrealistic right after graduation. 

[pause] 

At least without murder involved. 

**Hux**

I heard that. 

**Pryde**

I said it right to you. Anyway, she got destroyed back on Jakku. After that battle, I went into exile and-

**Hux**

_ (overlapping) _ Wrote poetry. 

**Pryde**

_ (I will shoot you) _ Among other things. 

**Hux**

Last one for today? ( _ he doesn't wait for an answer _ ) “All Pryde and Hux do in meetings is stare at each other. They should bone already.” 

**Pryde**

Bone? 

**Hux**

I'm not explaining that one to you. That's it, good night-

**Pryde**

Don't lie to them. You're not going to sleep. 

**Hux**

My sleeping schedule is perfectly fine, thank you very much. GOOD NIGHT. 

[the tape clicks off before Pryde can say anything else]

**Author's Note:**

> I don't have an excuse for this. Sorry.


End file.
